ROTO BASEBALL DRAFT DIARY

Neishler and Okun get in a pre-draft morning workout.


Chapman and I have been playing around with an LA Sports Blog for the past few months and have decided to give it a try. Due to Ben's status as a first year lawyer and the end of my run with the Show/Clippers and foray into Commercial Real Estate, this will not be a daily thing. We should have new material at least a few days a week but consistency will not be our hallmark. Other than ranting after UCLA lost a few weeks back, this Roto Diary will serve as the starting point. And what a place to start. Our annual Rotisserie Baseball draft needed a home and Todd Hasson obliged by walking across the street and opening up his parents Beverly Hills compound.

12:00 Michael Nussbaum-Croft presides over his first draft as commissioner. The best way to describe this would be the analogy that this league is like a season of Project Greenlight. The powers that be got together and decided, let’s put the guy in charge that always asks who to pick and never wins and see the inevitable train wreck that transpires. Give the keys to an inexperienced director and just get out of the way. Let’s just hope Nuss fares better than Director John Gulager on the current Bravo edition of Greenlight.

12:01 Nussbaum makes a futile attempt to explain the league finances to Stone. After a few minutes, it is still unclear to all how much the site costs versus what the pot is.

12:10 There is growing sentiment to have the draft outside, in order to enjoy a perfect Southern California day and the vast seating afforded at Casa de Los Monos. Nussbaum puts a quick cabosh on this idea because he is wearing a thick polyester Dwight Gooden jersey. No word on whether he'll try to draft him later.

12:15 Todd walks in from the kitchen and offers Okun a wingy.

12:17 I announce to the room that Gagne was put on the DL last night. Most already know this fact, but Friedman asks, "Who?” I reply, Fred Gagne, middle relief, Philadelphia. Friedman notes this tidbit and gives me a little head nod as thanks.

12:19 The draft begins. In a room full of lawyers, law students and general intelligence, no one can figure out how to use the speaker phone so the NY contingent can hear. Nussbaum passes this responsibility over to Corleto. Lack of delegation killed those guys on the Battle of Shaker Heights. Point for Nuss.

12:22 A mini argument breaks out between Koch and Nussbaum over how soon Barry Bonds will be returning. Nuss thinks he is coming back soon and Koch whines in disgust. Shoot me now.

12:25 Neishler walks in late and looking very svelte. Must be the morning swim. Has anyone ever managed to figure out why Neish has been late for every single draft we have ever had? Did he lose his Thomas Guide? Does Okun give him the wrong start time, so he can pretend he actually contributes something with that first pick?

12:30 Pizza arrives, Hasson orders the ever popular, never tasty Pepperoni, Onion and Garlic pizza, aka vomit in a box. Block nods in approval...the buffoons are in sync.

12:37 Mid way through round 3, Neishler picks Carlos Delgado. Jay, dealing with the bad phone connection, asks if Eddie Guardado was selected without any sarcasm. I guess Everyday Eddie gets good press in NYC.

2:45 Todd and Justin select Hideki Matsui and piss off his many other suitors. Neishler notes, "I like Matsui. He is very disciplined. Very Disciplined."

12:55 Early round 5, Elliot "No relation to Todd or Stone for that matter" Hassen pulls the trigger on aging 1980s ace Brad Radke. Did I fall asleep? Is it now Round 24? Thank you for money and please drive home safely. Elliot and his partner huddle and discuss if its too early for Jason Grabowski in round 6.

1:00 I ask the room when Todd and Justin would make their first slip up after a solid start. Justin obliges instantly with Magglio Ordonez and his bone on bone knee. The room chastises them and mocks his contract. A buffoon team members replies that the contract is "incentive laden". Shock overcomes everyone at this fact/vocabulary display.

1:10 Todd picks Javy Lopez 3 rounds after he was already selected. Sweet memories of the Samuel Dalembert/Vlade Divac fiasco from basketball come flooding back. It’s much too early to be dozing off dreaming about whether Goldstein is on Instant Messenger.

1:20 People begin discussing betting on the Final 4. Stone makes a comment about Koch's recent frugalness regarding his unwillingness to make a $5 bet. Koch comes with a quick retort about not everyone making 100k a year. Stone responds with, "yeah and not all of us have a $75,000 car." Koch with his usual sharp wit comes with. "Yeah I didn’t pay for it." I jump in with a quick, "yeah Stone... he got you!" Koch comes at me with a, "how is your part-time Clipper job."
I guess 2 internships and a 4 week stint at the producers guild makes Koch a modern day Caesar Chavez. We also find it funny that the combined net worth of everyone in that room is $25 yet the combined net worth of possible inheritance is $25 million. Unprecedented collection of people. This room alone ends Jewish conspiracy stories.

1:24 Neishler farts and clears out the Northwest corner of the room. Okun says they should fly him over Iraq.

1:27 Okun gives a head massage to Nussbaum, whose head might explode after taking 8 minutes on his 12th round pick. Okun claims that the ladies love when he does it to them. I’m sure that list is long and distinguished.

1:30 Okun announces he is leaving for a wedding and to go pick up his tux. He leaves us with the line of the day, "I don't look good in a tux...I have an irregular neck."

1:35 Ray Durham is picked. Elliot claims that his friend Jenna Jacobsen gave him head when the Giants were in Tucson for Spring Training. The silence is deafening.

1:36 Mike Hampton is selected. Elliot has an anecdote for him as well. "I know him, he broke my friends' bong". MIKE HAMPTON. At what point do you know everybody in the country when you have a "Mike Hampton broke my friends' bong" story. Too Much.

1:40 Nussbaum asks who Noah Lowry is.

1:41 Nussbaum asks who Danny Haren is.

1:42 Nussbaum asks who Nick Swisher is.

1:48 People begin to discuss the lovely Anna Benson, wife of Kris. Corleto claims that she said she would let Willie Randolph fuck her raw dog in the ass if she caught Kris cheating...lovely.

1:53 Buffoons select Jermaine Dye in round 24. Audible groan in the room as everyone seems to be targeting him there....first time that has ever happened for Todd and Justin.

1:58 Neishler picks Mike Liberthal 9 rounds after he was already selected. "Fuck Free World" he says in disgust.

2:01 Birthday boy Ryan Smiley turns ghost white and begins to sweat. A few hours without some sort of movement is driving him crazy. Cliff Floyd is picked by another team. Stone is furious because a weakened Smiley had mistakenly crossed him off their list. Hey Ryan, step into Stone's office.

2:07 Elliot announces that he had met some Georgia bitches the night before. Corleto asks if they were from Georgia of the former Soviet Union.

2:10 Ezor picks Johnny Damon because Blatt thinks he is cute.

2:20 Friedman leaves the draft with 2 rounds left to go pick out wedding bands. Unprecedented. Does his name automatically change to Doug Christie?

2:45 Finally it ends. I can't wait for football.

MB/BC